http://ced.pitas.com/ | old
Sometimes a bit of perspective wouldn't be bad. Honey, or sugar, or any form of sweetness. But then, I need a haircut. I've been talking about it since exams period, and not doing a thing about it. The perspective would be, how do I look like from the outside? While thinking I'm not a complicated person in seeking love... We're all on the same boat (almost). We all want to love, hope to love. Maybe not always said clearly, explicitely. Sometimes I lose hope. But it's not too late. It will be too late in 5-10 years. It is starting to get late. Bottom of the 8th. I am not getting younger. And the girls (or anyone, gender confounded) of my age are out of school, well into their careers. Most people who are ever going to get married are already dating the ones they're going to marry. It's full of suck, but you can't stop time from flowing. If you could... No, you can't. And in the meanwhile, I am there watching, and hoping. But nothing ever happens... Or actually things do happen, girls that I've noticed stare back at me, casually (very casually) trying to establish contact! But no, I am not there, my wit is locked inside 10 cm thick of skull-bone. There it is, loss of me, not even capable of being quick enough to react. Maybe I screwed the test already? Boy is too thick, doesn't have good genes. Ok, whatever, I'm going to sleep on it.
I want a girl that tastes like honey. Just like honey.
[music: The Jesus and Mary Chain - Just like honey]
You know, what I'm looking for is just someone like me. I don't know myself, so obviously can't find myself. [Firing of several thoughts at the same time] *Drinks vodka and Orangina - abusing of alcohol for sure* I don't know. I just feel that things are as clear as they should be. Ced needs a girl. And that girl could be anyone, as long as: 1- She wants to sleep with me, 2- She wants to talk to me and listen to me, 3- That she's a female equivalent of me. I am not seeking the hottest girl in the world. I am just seeking for someone of my league. I am seeking someone simple. Can't she just show up to me one day, just to simplify things??
[Edit: Now that I am sober. I stick by my story. :D Teh obvious, mes petits lapins, and the depressing thing is not the lack of ideals, probably the lack of concrete. Keeping my feet on the ground is difficult. I want so much out of life, and think everything will happen by itself. I am not making an effort in the right direction I think.]
[Edit-Edit: On a related note, enough with the aspartame. :D Until it gets better.]
If they reject me from grad school, then I'll only deserve it. Not that I'm stupid, just that it's maybe not suited for me. The maths. =_= They make me unconfortable. If I understand, then all is great. But at the level I'm at, there are no free lunches. I submitted the homework half completed, out of fear that it might be (very) late again. Last time around, I submitted the hw three weeks late!! And it was even posted before the Spring Break, so had all the time in the world to work on it.
Am I lazy, or am I trying to do too much? 5 core computer science courses. Is it deadly enough for you? Never try this at home. I don't know what to add. I just feel overwhelmed by work sometimes. I'm not super-busy all the time, but it will happen once or twice per week that I feel the pressure. The five classes begging for their assignments to be handed in! Midterms!
Quite frankly, with such an agenda, I wonder why I still have time for distractions. I should be studying all the time, instead of wandering aimlessly on the web, or writing horrendously-long blogs.
And it has given me a bit (maybe a lot?) of perspective with Alison. Therefore this is it. But if a moogle shrinks, it is always to the profit of yet another growing moogle. =/ En tout cas, c'est pas la fin du monde, bah. Et pis c'est comme que ce qu'on me dit rentre d'un oreille pis sort de l'autre. I got the message, and I take what I think is right out of it. (Chuis tellement perspicace des fois!)
Not much to declare this week. Being less busy with the schoolwork, somewhat on a voluntary basis, otherwise will not be making it for the playoffs finals. Saw Faye like all around the place this past week. I assume I've got issues and don't want to talk to her. The most commonly thought advice to me is GET LAID. I argue, blablabla, I am not looking for that in a relationship, blablabla. OTOH, I am thinking that I'm probably just thinking about that subconsciously. I must assume I am not 100% in control of my thought-will corridor, and that somewhere in between, the signals are being tricked into making me act and (consciously) think like a good boy for every mother to want to marry their daughter to. But now, in real life, I'm not that (and I know mother don't marry their daughters!). I stereotypically think of relationships, and stereotypically talk about relationships like Hayson, rather than Fred. =P But in practice, there's probably a bit to learn of myself before settling for a "whichever's best". Then maybe I'll be able to deal with people like Faye, instead of blindly not knowing whether to fall or not.
In other news, saw Julie at 5:25 PM. I can act normal with her because I've lost all romantic interest for her. And now if I could be like that with the gals I like...
Saw the girl I like today. She might've seen me too, I'm not sure. She wore something sporty in cotton, and looked genki as usual. I didn't depress after that, ...didn't *really* depress at least. Her hair grew by a bit more since last time I saw her (the Friday before the break) and she nows features long-enough hair for Fifis (is that how you call 'em?).
Most imaginary crush. But still a crush, godammit. There is not enough willpower in this world to make me change my mind. I can't fight it, so I am not fighting it. I just know that at some point in time I'll stop admiring her, or feeling super-kimochi just seeing her at the other end of the hallway (or whizzing past me like some tornado).
At the same time was carrying my bag of forks (gift of the science society :D), and later on having a discussion on sex powered by the one and only Uri.
I'm not sure. At some point when she saw me, she might've began a circular movement with her arm, but before our gaze met, I just turned my head away. I feel there's still something to gain in friendship, but at the same time, her personality, and the way she initially treated me, so perfectly drew how it was going to be like. Somehow played with the chain of events. Reshuffled, and re-distributed the cards. I might not be the only one liking her. Persona like these rarely only affects one subject. But had to be different, and think I did things differently (perhaps a *bit* too differently ;D).
There are rumors to the effect that I'd be Shanghai in May?! Mother and father are currently discussing downstairs. It's because several months ago, if you remember, my folks were supposed to go down to the Bahamas, but trip got cancelled by my father's boss, since he needed him at the company. Well now, apparently he's going to make up for it, and pay my parents a trip, not to islands, but to Asia/China! :D Cedric back in Asia earlier than he thought?? To be continued...
[Edit: No can-do =_=. My parents got tickets for the Bahamas, so are going there instead. Blah.]
Smelled like croissants again, 'cause my father decided to get himself a lil midnight snack. unfortunately, they burnt, and it's actually a smell of burnt croissants in the house. But still smells good, and prevents me from sleeping. -_-
Not only that, but it gave me some of the first depressing thoughts of the break. I don't know what I want to do with my life, as if it was something new, or limited to myself. But it goes deeper than that. I feel like I don't know what I want to do because I have no-one to do it with. I thought of all those practically-married couples. Just take my brother. He might've been a so-so student, and whatever, but he has been dating the same girl for 3 years. Model of stability, certainly. Or don't go that far, just look at Hayson and Cammy, who might've been dating for just half a year, and so when I joke about the marriage theme with Hayson, he more or less takes it seriously. Or those couple of people in Taskforce with their girlfriends since forever.
If I was still a teenager, I wouldn't care. In fact, when I was a teenager, I didn't care. Only the past few years, only when I saw other people who looked like me finding a mate, "their mate".
And so I'm thinking, who will she be? The superficial thought has always been, well, probably Chinese, ressembles me physically (not so "hot", kinda sober looks, doesn't mind the crazy). And the other superficial thought that also we can have fun together... But then what next? Who will she really be? What sort of professional ambitions will she have? Will she want to have kids? (I was in McIntyre today, and some dude who did his biochem with me in the meanwhile, got married and had a kid) And goes the spinorama of all this anguish...
But Wee tells me the obvious, that of course you can't imagine who she's going to be like. But if I can't imagine it, then all I can imagine is myself, by myself at 35. I'm still just 23, seriously, and I've been more comfortable with myself in recent months/years. Do I need to make an extra effort in order to be found?
Oh gosh, sipping down the Madeira as if it were water. ^_^oO0
Already 4th day of the Spring break, and still haven't done the "important" things. Improved the Taskforce page beyond imagination. Happy consequence is that I didn't seriously think about the emotions-schtuff during all that time... fantastic eh?! Nope, not going to start now. Or maybe.
Goodness, my databases prof is married [or union libre] to the bioinformatics center head? o_O; Well, I've seen that before, two of my molecular oncology profs, 'cause worked for one of them. But this time, how do I know? No references to each other's websites, but indeed (graphical) evidence of the intersection.
...and any reference to babies will soon make me want to cry... I want to get married and die a family guy!
That said, I miss all the aspects of la vie de couple (can't find my words in English tonight). A lot to do with my closest family members reminding it to me like all the time, but also a lot to do with just myself thinking I need to vary my tastes in life.
Well, he says, "at least you've got someone to eat with". Whether he implies something else, or just that eating together is a sort of special activity... well it's not, and the hell he's saying that for. Eating out has nothing of an exclusive activity godammit. Even if with a girl, it doesn't simulate datingness, and even if it does, msg can never replace chicken bone soup.
And the stupid "it takes two to tango". It does, and I know it.
Lousy Valentine's Day weekend. =_= At least I didn't do anything irrational. Heck, I didn't even discuss the subject in public. There was Tania wishing me the usual, but then the bullshit (from anyone) rarely gets to my heart nowadays.
"Fresh news feed: more depressing Valentine's depressing schtuff! ;D"
Basically had a portion where I dreamt of her smiling. We were having a conversation, but I forgot the context (maybe we were in a queue?). Could only focus on that smile of hers. =_= Totally creepy. I am so Nineteen. Blargh.
In other news, also made it to Hong Kong in my dream! This other one is even more sickening because it recurs every couple of weeks or so. I don't know, don't ask me whether I really want to live in HK. I can't speak proper Cantonese, and I don't like the HK lifestyle (...that cultural wasteland *shudders*).
The house smells like croissants, b/c my dad decided for a midnight snack. ^^; I mean, I could smell them out from the air duct while taking my shower upstairs!
Now the first Valentine's depressing news. I *did* manage to see Faye at the end of the day, on the other side of Burnside while walking in front of the office with my cup of tea. Was with a small group of Chinese friends. I didn't bother to say hi, partly b/c I didn't know if she was looking in my direction (short-sighted like a mole, I am, even with glasses) or was just looking *away* from my direction... It's become the most imaginary crush ever already.
Spared myself the trouble of explaining myself only after a couple of depressing months. If you find me sick, then yay! Crazy I am! But no doubt this fits in my logical frame of mind. I cannot not have a crush on someone. But I cannot be satisfied with just half-liking someone, b/c it doesn't suit me. And also I can't be socially normal and just normally talk and act normally with the people I'm attracted to. Go me, otherwise, I am more satisfied with myself than I've ever been in the past couple of years. Sounds positive eh? Yeah, certainly does. Doesn't change the fact that I'm still single and still extremely picky. *g*
So might just be liking her "by default", which seems very bad on the outside looking in. Either I do something about it, either I think about someone else: the normal thing to do. But it doesn't work. I cannot consciously stop finding her special. Told her it'd be difficult to understand. Told her she's better off just ignoring me. It will hurt me, but it's better than pretending everything is normal. As I said, I see what's happening to myself, and it won't go away until I meet someone "better" (more fit to what I'm really looking for). This might never happen at all. It's a trend, I can see it. Will ask my friends for advice if I even have time for this. Need to finish homework lah... =(
(Yeah, you tell her if you see her around, at this moment I don't feel I should bother her with these things. I am practically noone in her life anyways.)
(But you know, I might be already doing something about it... I mean, all the time spent away from the lower campus, the non-stalking, the self-censoring-as-much-as-possible... eee, what more can I do?!)
So, saw her 3 times on Thursday. And I was not stalking. ^_^ I mean, I didn't see her for some 3 weeks (except that time she whizzed in front of me on that snowy day) so it's kind of a big deal the girl you (are supposed to) have a crush on makes repeated appearances within a couple of hours.
If I think about it really hard, then I can feel nothing. Has the crazy-cute, and of course I like the crazy-cute. And I don't like it when you wiggle the crazy-cute in front of me. It makes me feel I'm weak if I can't come up with an equal amount of crazy-cute, which I usual can in any other sort of situation (since if I am unrestrained Me, that's how I tend to be like).
And if I don't think about it at all, then I'm just a bundle of boyish confusion. =D
Alright. Back to where we started, crazy for Faye. -_-; This is so depressing. Blargh.
Somewhat better than previous times, b/c has fallen, has been confessed, and has been healed, all in three and a half little months . But somewhat the same lack of optimism, goddamit just how much can I achieve by myself (with a little bit of effort)?
She being a victim of me passionate-self. Or she being oh-so special? You can argue all the girls I liked have somehow been "special", even though none of them wanted the specialness (or wanted to establish it two-ways).
What's within your reach, what can you "control"? Certainly, for honesty's sake (and for morals' sake... -_-), you don't want to control other people's emotions. The distance does good, as life goes on. Life goes on, and life is totally so bland w/o a bit of mutual inspiration (the inspiration power generator might I say).
Suddenly, b/c of yesterday, she found her way to me this afternoon, and re-established business-as-usual contact. But problem is, I don't feel like it's time yet for business-as-usual. I have no gain in that relationship, so why should I?
Totally fine with it, b/c the ignoring part is on a mutual basis. I am getting good with it. OTOH, will not understand why my peeps take her seriously. A child, she is, and as that, she sees herself, anyways. Don't you wonder about the logic behind her actions/complaints/requests. Just give her candies. (And if you're intrigued by her too, then tell her something very serious, like that you like her, and that'll scare her off. Gna. ^_^)
How can 2004 be any different of the years before? I must be happy, had my friends over (and they live quite far) and completed the list of things I'd like to do during the Holidays. But the emptiness strikes again, it's totally stupid, but it does. I cannot stand loneliness, and even less loneliness in the crush-sector. You know, I'm a young man, and Young Man has a lot, except not all. Identify what I want, and seek. Blah. One good thing is school starting again. Maybe I'll feel good/better when I finally meet some people. Doesn't happen often that you meet those people you call friends; must be in the sharing of lots of affinities where everything starts. I just can't be blind all the time. Must be more intelligent with these kinds of situation, believe in myself, and blablabla.
I slayed Tripod and Xanga. Everything redirected to smurfmatic.net. I suppose I can keep Pitas for the occasional message/statement I want to make, while supposing no one actually reads it...
It's vacation time. But somehow I don't feel so kimochi. Could be the apprehension of two last grades to come for the Fall term. Not sure if I'll pass, after somewhat bad final exams.
At first not feeling kimochi (or kimochii?), because of the lack of social interaction, or social excitement that usually comes with end of exams. Not always the case. In fact not sure if any different from previous years. There *is* a party at Tania's tomorrow. But somewhat getting used to Tania's parties, not meaning that I feel bored by them, but probably I'd like to meet new people from completely different places.
Since I'm outta Midgar, and the Kalm-ShinraAirship section annoy me, I switched my attention from FFVII to FFIX. Got as far as Lindblum. -Can't say much about the projects. I am planning for the house party, but I feel *bleh* to the prospect of having my mother around. I like my mom, but I don't feel comfortable having her work. I'll make sure my friends this time won't just be sitting back and relaxing.
Seriously no social excitement whatsoever. Is it my fault? I don't know. I'd like to reach out, but on the other hand, I don't like people I usually meet. I've grown impatient with people I guess. I like being alone, but I don't like being alone-alone. =/
Hmmwell, since we're in that period of the year. So got a C, but will ask the prof why not a C+ or a B-, which would have looked more decent alongside the A- and the B which I expected and got for various other classes...
If I don't stop, it's a D or F that I'll get on the last remaining course. (I did fairly okay for AI, which I started studying for, exactly 10 hours before the exams (and slept too in between). I hope I'll pass, and if I get more than a B, I'll be kissing you. *^_^*)
And there was a funny dream last night (last night? slept two increments of 2-4 hours since, not including the one during which I had the dream... :D), but all the sensibilities surrounding that dream have dissapeared, and I don't feel like talking about cold meat. Maybe I'll pull it off, but I'm just not sure.
I got C in Numerical Computing, which was uber-dissapointing. At least thought I'd do better than at my midterm exam. = The prof allows me to view my exam, already that's supposed to make me feel better (hum?). Only means I should be grateful for not getting a D or F, and work harder. -_-
Lonely, lonely, lonely. =( But I mean, I don't care most of the time, because I am busy doing something [I mean now, this week, as it's exams period], but I can't be "busy" all the time, nor do I want a life of being busy all the time. Must stop sometimes, spend some "quality" time. Nothing's changing. Always longing for the same things, and always not getting it. Concretely, things are constant, still no one to care about me in that sense, but then motivationally, or heck, just my fucking personality, point of view, they've changed lots. Or so I think...?
[Edit: The fear of generic commenting makes me not want to update this over on Xanga. Made good friends, but the blog is more open to anyone else than anywhere else. 've got my logic of things straight... Would like to get a domain for myself. *sigh* Still feeling bleh, but I can't do a thing if I'm at home. I realize that it's most rewarding to be around school friends during exams period, because you don't see them everyday. All the isolation makes it worthwhile to see and talk with everyone on exam day...]
Is sorta funny that new-Webmaster (I am trying to get people to take over the website after I graduate) talks as if no one's reading her blog (I'll Google you if you have an out-of-the-ordinary nickname, it's not motivated by anything else than pure curiosity), complaining that we (that *I*) talk on the mailing list as if no one was reading. ^_^ Nice to be lurking behind the bushes. But I am not trying to be clever, if I were clever, I would use Lynx to browse the web. Nowadays I do it with the most noticeable IP, and you got to be a bit more suspecting, and put some trackers around. XD (I suppose I didn't like the part about my page being "ugly-ass"... I can take it with a grain of salt, since I don't think much of her page anyways. ^_^ Taskforce page is made to be as sim-ple as possible, is not meant to be esthetic fluff.) For one thing, I added her to the mailing list, or at least recently suggested she should be. It's not trying to show an image of nice-ness and then being an ass. It seems to be how we talk, or maybe how I talk. Was a bit frustrated too after all that studying, and rather low-inhibition.
(Hopefully, someone on Taskforce hears me.. or not.. doesn't matter)
I also guess privacy is a matter of illusion. The most private way to blog is not to blog (and keep it on an encoded text file, if you want, or write on paper, but that's not convenient and all sort of storage-related issues arise).
My reflex is to say "I don't want to be an ass". But let's be one, for being a bit less "me". I think what she got wrong was:
(policy(memberOfTaskforce(personA)) == policy(memberOfTaskforce(personB)))
which is not a true statement. I want the n00bs to stay, and feel personally responsible for making them feel comfortable. I certainly don't agree with the policy of giving free printing credits right away for almost no work done (okay, except the training part, which is not actual work you see.). If the others decide something that I don't agree on, it doesn't mean there's a contradiction, like a person contradicts oneself, b/c Taskforce (or any student organization - companies, OTOH, ought to be 100% consistent ^_^) is not one person. So I justify myself.
Hayson's totally right, I'm possessive with my webpages. So I think I should try to find myself a girfriend somewhere, divert my attention away from things (and even more so away from non-tangible things). And then let Taskforce deal with its own shitz. ^_^
A website as surrogate girlfriend ?? O_o; [edit: I mean, one that I'm webmastering. ;D]
I like being me. Or I actually love being me. (Ced's a narcissist, did you figure that out?!) It's just I don't like being just with me. -_- Indeed... Back to bed, and then the slaughterhouse. =D
At this point, I'm pretty sure I'm beyond the "genuinely care". It's been 4 or even 5, w00t, days without any whining whatsoever, probably because I'm too busy studying, or simply b/c it's statu quo, and there's nothing to whine about. I don't care, I don't care and I don't care. But somewhere I still feel like a gutless childkiller (or killer of birthing emotions), and somewhere it probably is the emotional equivalent of an abortion (alright, it's being insensitive to compare it to *that*). I suppose it's more out of curiosity that I think about it. I am pretty sure nothing could have been done anyways even if I tried, and that what still looks like something silly to have done will pay back. Or at least it opens the door to other things, hopefully better. Or at least I should stop over-stressing myself with exams and waking up in the middle of night to listen to Sun Yanzi songs. o_O;
The Taskforce page is now... magenta?
"PINK! hahahah, it's PINK! gnagnagna *mumbles-mumbles*"
I can't say it's really sadness. More of a feeling of helplessness. "I can't help myself", or there doesn't seem to be anything I could do to make myself happier. I need a girl like me, as in I need someone with whom I share similar interests, and someone who can inspire me. I feel empty, as in I feel like every day in just another day, and that at the end of my days, I'll be like "meh". Unlucky, I feel unlucky because it's not like there isn't anyone for me. I probably just have high standards, but can't really be satisfied having only myself. There must be a part of youngman-ness here. I need the snuggle and the hand-holding in public, and the very long walks in foreign cities with only a map. I idealize, but dear readers, you just know what I mean. I am dying, because I will just live w/o purpose. It's hard to find someone "simple", who's just like yourself, who is just looking for that simply boy who will inspire her...
I don't feel like building for a future because it doesn't seem to me that anything will live past me. Hopeless. Nothing is hopeless, things just appear to be hopeless. They appear to be hopeless. Things change, yet they don't seem to change. For instance, I am more rude at throwing my emotions around. I like someone, I'll tell her. I am annoyed because you're bothering me in my work, I'll tell you (or make it such that you know it). I am a frustré de la vie. I don't see a point. I hope for a lot of things, but my days are bland and uniform. Work, study, eat. Nobody. I am sick of it. I am realistic (or try to be realistic). I don't want to lie to people. I don't want people to lie to me. I want to like someone as being myself. I want her to allow me to like myself. I am sick of it. I've been worrying for too long. Even the long-time worriers I know are now settled with the guy/girl they never thought they'd found. In the meanwhile, I haven't found mine. I blame it on Montreal. Stupid Montreal. I am sick of it.
Everything's so gray. Where are the sunny days? Where are the walks in the park with the (symbolic) girl in yellow? Where are those everlasting days of May among the tulips? I want it all. **sigh**
http://home.sus.mcgill.ca/~csam/pictures/2003-05-18_botanical_garden/img_0105.jpg
One of the reasons why I dread blog communities so much is because of my tendency to let emotions gain the top of it, and my equal tendency to want to spill them over. Is prolly because I don't see my friends often, or at least those I see know the parties involved? Tripod was the mid-amounts of privacy. I can be general in what I say, and not so much care if people read or not, because I've a counter, and because few people I know actually read blogs on a regular basis. In Xanga, it's like you get lots and lots of people potentially reading, and, *horror*, making comments to what you write. Or moreover, you may feel out of place to whine in public, like you don't tell everyone in your entourage that you're emotionally sick. (And especially if you're a guy. What stereotype? XD)
Ok, well, I don't care. Saw Faye again today, twice. Mutually ignored each other on first occasion, because t'was in office. And second time, tried to say hi, but then got ignored. I want her to simply stop appearing around me at random -as much as the other part of me would like it if she changes her mind about me, and wants something closer to a normal friendship. But indeed, the first part of me wants her to disappear from my life. I don't know, set up a computer room with printers in McIntyre, move the Chem/Bio classes up the hill, make Francois not hold office hours? This half of me doesn't want to see her. B/c seeing her destabilizes me, it makes me go *scratches head*. But still is the personification of girly-cute (the tuque makes it even better/worse =P), which is uber-sad, so I can't help it. Am talking in meta; woaw, meta-emotions, this is a nice way to call it.
Merde. I did something wrong with my Tripod site again. =_=; Gives me all the reasons in the world to pay for my own webspace. Now, only when I'm done with exams. Blogging goes to Xanga for the time being.
http://www.xanga.com/cedsmurf/
Ah yes! Tripod works again! Go my layers of privacy!
I passed right in front of Faye in the Burnside basement corridor near the computer labs today, while she was coming the opposite way. I said hi, and she totally ignored me. ^_^ Kinda gives a clear msg that she is annoyed, "stressed" by me. Made me feel =/ but then I understand.
(I understand?)
I am also fascinated with the situation. I had people openly ignore me (or even hate me?) for similar reasons, but it was a very long time ago. I assume things are particularly bad, b/c the gal is scrambling for end of term papers / finals (just like I am), and doesn't want to deal with Stupid Boy. But the situation is bad *this time* because I didn't want static. I think I've acted with all my rationality, either it charms her, or it (kinda) disgusts her. In either cases, I am being "myself", I'm not trying to please, and a girl who's just somehow fond of me would understand too.
Hum, then met some old friends, for the JP birthday occasion. He got inspired and invited a handful of friends over for an intimate wine & cheese with Leonidas chocolate, a Brie flambé au Grand Marnier (!!!) and the Sushi 3003/4004 compilation I brought. I think I knew them all, or at least saw them around before. HEC/UdeM/Brebeuf is a small world. I feel I am getting a subspatial transmission every time I speak with JP. McGill is just a continuity with Marianopolis, as UdeM/HEC is in continuity with Brebeuf. I don't know. It was a break spanned over year 2001 (my Winter of U2 / Fall of U3 year). I see JP once every 6 months (every 2 months lately, which is pretty often by my standards of seeing friends). I don't talk to anyone of the "old world" on a regular basis. They changed. I feel like I changed a lot myself. I don't feel socially-challenged versus *them*, nor like someone have anything interesting to say. I feel like McGill, the English Montreal, my Anglo/international friends gave me a new perspective of things. I feel like I am drifting away from that French-Me, that "Cédric" that everyone knew by name in cegep, to become that other "Cedric", who build himself an alternate network of acquaintance (and a somewhat different reputation ^_^) in McGill. It's like two lives, two universes. The intersection is so minimal that I can name you the people who cross between both worlds...
Studying became easier this week, as I decided to do all my (important) assignment in advance. I will never be able to study in advance unless I see the need to it. 5 exams in 10 days (starting Dec 9) is probably that. Next semester is my last ever as an undergrad.
I generally don't like talking relationships with people who spend more time in their lives in one, than not in one. I don't feel at level, it's like talking about hockey with a cricket fan.
I've a pretty good idea of the flavour I like. And 's hard finding with such specific standards...
Had an evening of eating bugs, and then going to a robotized vaccuum cleaner party. =D Finished the Midori, and already trying to think of a better, sweeter alcohol...
Faye came to the office today. (The way I talk about it is so...) She probably doesn't realize i am above all this. I don't really care about the ignoring part. I find it unecessary to ignore each other on purpose. I tried telling her that was was necessary was mutual understanding of the fact I need time to digest. But perhaps there's something very selfish in her behaviour, and she won't bother to do me that favour. I am above all of this, I've become professionally competent in dealing with lost causes (as if my love life is anything but lost causes -_-;;).
She fascinates me, and if it's not what you call "attraction leading to relationship", I'll call it "attraction for feminine character". The sort of by-default fascination for certain women, knowingly (or sorta knowingly) that a real relationship is not possible. (I am thinking that I will not be meeting the girl for me, if I am not doing anything - she shouldn't be somebody outgoing, or relatively confident in social interactions, I suppose) Well, yeah, in the meanwhile. Interesting experimental deformation. She fascinates me, like I said, and I try to pinpoint what makes it so adorable? Like, why in the first place did she mail us for a quiet computer lab? Because she likes to study, and needs a quiet place, and didn't think it was totally out of place to mobilize other students? Because she actually thought it would work, or it was worth the shot?
In a sense, I felt very clever for being in the "driver's seat", even though it was more like, "shoot, there's a huge traffic jam, let's crash on this lamppost". I think I sorta used her logic of things. What the heck, let's just do something off the top of my stack (head), doesn't matter what she'll say. When I see her, I play it cool, and it's almost sincere. I can almost not care, and make *her* feel ackward by making her think that there's this strange boy after her. *g* Probably not the case, 'cause I am still not evil - although I definitely should learn from the World and be more evil, or at least consistently selfish. ^_^
I can't sleep. Probably something I ate, and consequently made my mind aware of things that worry me. My main blogsite died for no reason (I am thinking people I know might've hacked it for the shitloads amounts of foul writing put there ^_^). And with it died anything I have to vent in other people's face (sorta).
More and more work make my depression go without purpose. Why am I depressed? I don't know anymore. Seriously can't take care of myself. I really need "someone", but I can't put a face on that someone. =(
It's Stefanie Sun singing Hey Jude!! AHHHHH! =_=;;
(In other news, the Tripod site died (refuses to let me connect by ftp, will not display html when I directly update on their site). Would be a good idea to abandon yet another blog, and start meeting real people the normal way. ^^;;)
I still have stuff written on paper from cegep-age crushes. Fetched the small pile of paper bound together with a couple of fold back clips. Without opening the clips, read through some passages, and realized how much I did not change. Fundamentally, I am the same person, the one who's being overly rational about such things that require no rationality in order to bloom.
I write and write, and like to write since high school. Not sure about the "quality" of what I wrote. Probably I was one of those who were able best to express oneself in the written form, although things appear to have taken a downhill tendency, with all the depression accumulating itself. I don't write for newspapers anymore, and it's been over two years already. I can't write decent fiction, but then I never really seriously tried to. The depression, the sadness. Maybe I was never good at writing. But I am not inspired anyways.
Would seem that the two weeks prior to the most recent confession were the happiest in past couple of months. What does "happy" mean to me? It's to be hopeful for things to happen, it's to be inspired to do things. Things. Whatever "things" are. Anyways, makes me feel warm and light. Two weeks. What goes up must go down, or what is down must go up. It's a question of karma. If I was so happy these two weeks, then it's going to be a two weeks (or more?) or dark thoughts to counterbalance.
Fei thinks she's obligated to talk to me because one has to keep things "normal", and because I am standing in her way between her and the Taskforce phone. No one was ever allowed to make such usage of the Taskforce phone (if not on Taskforce, or dating a Taskforce member I mean =P). Even Julie eventually got refused the access to the Taskforce phone. Of course, Fei is not abusing -she's merely calling her mother to tell her everything's fine, and she's finished studying her ass off, and will be home soon.
I like Fei, and I told her I liked her. She did not mind. Nobody really knows what happened to me. If I write it here, it's probably because nobody who matters directly in the story will ever be reading (although I am getting hits from previous Pitas pages with images linked from Tacos - and I assume people who knew about the vacation site are reading). I told a girl that I barely knew that I liked her. I need to trust my instincts, and my instincts were telling me that I liked "her". A girl who crazies around with strangers, who's style-conscious, who's got more girly-cute than any previous crush, who's physically attractive without verging on the vulgar, who's vulnerable.
One piece of advice I received from friends was that obviously I was the kind to think too much. Most people would not think too much. Emotions come "on the fly". They are there in the present, and change.
I am not able to compromise on the type of relationship I want, on the sort of person she has to be. If I am being realistic, Fei probably does not have the same interests as I do. For one thing, I tell her about my personal website (Tripod Blog) and nothing goes click in her mind that I might've blogged about the importance she took in the past few weeks. Nor did she care I put up the link to the Chinese music directory for her. I mean, they are objectively meaningless things, but is my way of "offering flowers" to a girl. Or take the candy exchange thing. She takes, but doesn't give back. She doesn't feel the need to give back.
On the other hand, and for the same reason why I didn't give up easily on Julie, two years ago, is that I am not afraid of potentially be with people who aren't exactly me, but a girl. My dad is an intellectually-aware man, but my mother is totally dry in terms of general culture. Then, things work very well for them, because they share a certain something I don't know about. My father loves my mother, but I don't understand why (I should not try to either, since I am the by-product of said love *g*). I have the impression I'll be unhappy to have a girl who doesn't know at least as much as I do.
Probably have the impression I collect what I like along the crushes. But I don't think it's trying to find a different person in the one you're with. If I were able to do that, I would've probably been dating since CEGEP. I would've been a person who lives as it goes, without genuine interest in the person I'm with.
As for Fei, I am tagging my romantic interest in her for ubiquitination. (Woohoo, still able to coin biochem figures of style!)
Maybe it's not finished yet. Maybe it'll never "finish". Is what you get when you decide to abort it. Still think it was the best decision given the circumstances. Still worried about the repercussions. On me, the damage is not so clear. Well, ok... why tell a girl you like her if in fact you don't "really" like her? I was /liking/ her a lot, and still do /like/ her a lot, but not in any sort of intensity-length versus the other times. Is not my way of doing things. I tend to think it over many times before doing something. I am clearly still-me, because I care for someone in particular, not all the girls who show up to me. Am not capable of really keeping a period with multiple crushes, my mind and crazy imagination that goes with it is not very good at polygamy. O_oV Hmmwell, I talked about it tonight and yesterday evening, finally, which is a good thing no matter what.
Still can't shake the feeling that I was indeed at the middle of something. There were signs things were going to get awry. They did, or they did not? Now, I can't know. I made the extrapolation that it was going up, but that eventually I'd be sad. I was not sad at the moment I clicked on ABORT hit control-C. I saw myself being sad the weeks after. I would've been depressed, whether I did it or not, I had the impression. There was a slight chance -there's still a slight chance. But... but... I am being me, I am being monogamous (in my head) even though I am really in fact a free man. =\
She came to the office, chatted with me, and went to use the phone. If I didn't like her, I'd say it's totally too much, just go away and stop feeling like you're at home. But no, I am still fond of her, for the girly-cute. And sometimes you stop asking yourself "why" -is she acting that way -is she doing that. If I was indifferent about her, if I evacuate all I like about her, then she's like Mystery Girl. Circle of friends was closer than I thought, and with all the (fucking) perpective I am getting, I cannot even like m.g., not even a bit in the I want-to-be-there-for-you kind of thing. Sure, we're friends, sorta, but more like do something for me, and then I'll do something for you, therefore the total lack of wanting to make the first step to talk to her, except for getting her perspective of things, if she even cared a bit, for me to rationalize better on the personal mistakes I commited.
It's not working. It would seem to be the same story happening again, but with the order of events inverted. Really, only started talking to her a month ago. It was a "weird" situation, as in something I didn't see myself doing, or didn't see anyone else doing. Out of selfishness because I ignore other people sensibilities and just want to test them; out of frustration, because the night before I told her, I saw a glimpse beyond my illusions?
As bad as it may sound, I still didn't talk about it to anyone ...maybe to the Internet, but the real life people don't seem to be making me think I am making a fool out of myself in public. I didn't get a second opinion, one that I could discuss, debate about. I still feel alone in all this. I don't like that.
Probably what's going to happen is that I need to temper this bad "energy". It's not going to dissapear. I could stop thinking about being alone, like JP, but for me, if I do that, it'll eventually come back to haunt me. I'll be 60, and like, the only family surviving me would be my brother's kids, or my cousins' kids. Is sort of worrisome to think about it that way. Is sort of the trend I see for myself. Some people don't mind that, and live intellectually-plenty lives, financially-plenty lives. Seems like I can't, because I feel the meaning of life is to share that moment of perfect bliss.
I know there's more to life. And is why I still keep going, doing my daily things. I never know what'll happen to me. I keep the faith (but should definitely do something to help myself). But I'm affraid of myself too. Expectations kill the magic of the unknown. Risks; I could pretend I'm no longer affraid of risk because I've been trying more things, but the trying is always in a one-person context, a sort of "I understand things, but not necessarily what the other understands". And expectations, expecting it to be great, the revelation of a lifetime, and necessarily, it'll crash and I'll be unrecoverable.
Stupid upbeat Pizzicato Five... -_-;
The no-girlfriend issue is taking a new twist, as unrelated people around me try to remind me of the painful fact. Hum.
What am I supposed to do? Of course, I'm like the majority of people. If it could happen to *me*, then it'd be a change from looking at other fall in love, and then fall out of love, *insert drama*. Whatever the word "love" means nowadays. Not sure if everything out there's perfect, or are just means to kill generic Mal de Vivre. Am I doing things to help myself? Is my course of action consistent with what I truly want? A tender special friendship, or all the body warmth I can get (and give)?
I am not meeting the people I'd like to meet. Accuse of being choosy, but that's a non-debatable issue. You don't like people you can't like. I kind of have a general idea of what one has to be like. Mostly I am not giving a chance to the unobvious (and being the intrinsically selfish kind, am not letting the other have a say in the script either). Probably not seeing those who're in fact compatible, and interestingly compatible. And that is one fault (or many) I'm ready to admit. But no, you don't know what I want. I know what I want.
(Stupid CPop... -__-)
And fuck you.
(But I suspect that Ced in love (as in mutual love) would have a very different behavior/view of things. Maybe would be more positive about oneself. Maybe would bury the past projects-related wrecks. Maybe would go Shuichi! Or Hiro. Hum... bad idea to make yaoi-related analogies. But anyways, how will it be.... Lots of expectations, probably it's the "writing your own love story with the one you love" shit that's the best forecast.)
The situation with the new webmasters remind of something that happened to me in the past. I'm not sure... It wasn't BUGS, since I was totally happy and fine to let it in Hayson's hands. Was it the Graffiti in Brebeuf? Where I had to lead very enthusiastic people, which enthusiasm I ultimately killed? I'm not sure. Or was it SimONU, which I was totally sleeping in my role of leader. I'm not certain at all really. It's like, since BUGS, I've been working on my own, no one to tell me what to do, and no one to tell what to do. And now, suddenly, a situation where I need to tell others what to do suddenly arises.
It's like, I try to ask other people in Taskforce for advice, and all they find is technical advice... Gosh, I can learn that in a book (or more precisely, the PHP-docs. ^_~). But the real help, the moral support, or the sort of life experience advice, meh, I'm not getting it. At least not from the people I spoke with. Perhaps they haven't been in this kind of situation. I'd like to say I've had lots of experience in leadership positions. I did, but it was the past. I know I've changed. But did I hide from my communications problems? Am I running away from taking responsabilities?
Up and down. Down and up. Up and down again.
Places me in an interesting situation. It got me out of the previous "situation", certainly. And the early self-induced kill (apoptosis) stopped the evolution of another subsequent "situation". I broke a cycle, it was hard, and I have regrets once in a while.
On the other hand, feeling like I'm in the middle of nowhere. On the road at night. I don't think I can live a life without a period of dating, can't even start to think I won't get married, and won't have kids. 23 -- not the end of the world. At 30, I'll start to worry. I am cute and funny (sometimes), so it's my fault for doing the same activities, hanging out at the same places, seeing the same people.
I simply need to talk about it. I understand that I am the only one to care. But the situation is novel. I am not certain of the consequences. I wave at her, and for a split second, I even forgot that I told her I liked her, the weekend before, and etc, etc. As much as you *want* to forget that it ever happened, this remains a two-people effort.
Is why I find it amusing that I'm announcing a "interpersonal skills crash course", in office. ^_^
Well, if I correctly make the proof that the intersection of the set of Real-Life People with the set of People Reading This is not empty, then I should ask you to shut up. We can discuss it at length in the most scientific cold post-mortem fashion. But don't tease me, don't make it sound funny as usual. Doing the latter softens me, gives me false hope. The girl is lovely, and has it her way. But ever after Julie, I've lost respect for girls who just smile at you, and expect all sorts of favors from you (is a psychological game, you could say it's my fault too for falling for that sorta thing...). What I'd really like is the sort of camaraderie relationship, the one of course where there's a non-verbal give-and-take agreement.
I'm pretty sure there are many gaps in my reasoning. Maybe I lack social intelligence, or I just don't meet the right people. I dunno.
Well no, nothing much to say about it. I think things that needed to be justified had been justified beforehand, and the result was perceivable. It was required. At some point last week, it suddenly felt too much like with Julie. I know that if it felt that way, it was because I wasn't special -which turned out to be correct, I wasn't special nor for her, nor for Ally. It was the best out of all the possibilities. Get the hell out of there before it got to me. And attempt it once and for all so that there's no ambiguity. There is none. After she e-mailed me a third time, to basically tell me to bug off (in a diplomatic fashion of course). ---Lalala, my friend calls me to tell me that lecture is over, I gotta go back to the classroom now. :)
...
From a certain point of view, I am sad, very sad sad and sad for what has happened. Sad that more things change, more they remain the same, and blah blah blah. That because I have tons of attention to give to anyone (well, ok, not really "anyone") who is willing to take it. -- On the other hand, there'a certain level of don't-care. I might've just played, said something that was un-true, told a big lie just to know what the hell is the logic behind one's behavior. And to teach a lesson to a girl about being too kind/girly to boys you merely know. Both views conflict. Bad Ced, Good Ced. You decide which one dominates.
Bah, no Google cache for me to recover recent entries from. It's okay, I suppose, Pitas is a free ad-free service after all.
Not much happened in the past couple of days. Finally my midterm exams are over. Now it's major cramming until the end of the year, because if I don't, I'll fail. If I fail, it's one more year in University. And *that*, I really really don't want happening to me. =P
I arrived at school circa 8:20, too much in advance for my morning class. It's now... 8:46. -_- 330 professor dulls my mind, is the only reason I can give. At least a couple of interesting things to do next stop at grandma's (she lives in the ghetto, how convenient - allows me to go out on a schoolday evening sans worries) came my way this morning on the walk to school.
Nobody loves me. =(
On another note, it's been agreed that girl petitionning to me to have a quiet computer-study lab is hitting on me. And she is cute too, btw. ^o^ Moogle. Kupo kupo kupo.
There's lack of imagination.
Everyone's been playing their role perfectly. What if, for some reason, one didn't, at a particular moment in time. Would that be such a turn-on, like I think it'd be if someone who's always "acted" a certain way with me around decided to come out of character for once?
It's actually been a good week, versus last one, the one before, and the one before the last before. It's just that when you remind me of it... It's also when all sorts of very small things make the last hour suck. Like, I have three assignments due within the next six days, including two with programming, and that I forgot my pyjamas at home, and that I forgot to bring fresh clothes for tomorrow, and that I didn't have a good dinner... well, I'd like to have a shoulder to cry on too. =(
If you search for "Pocari" and "McGill", you find out there aren't many people blogging about Pocari who're actually from McGill. But besides the point. Where do you get cheap Pocari Sweat in this city? (Or in fact, you already do, since they sell it 2$ in NYC for the 500 ml version, which is indeed bigger than the can, but it's US dollars :P)
Drawing porn is one step from writing porn. But both exercises are parsecs away from watching pr0n, which is just consumption (more for the male portion of the population than the female, I believe). - I remember, out of boredom, in rez, in second year of cegep, actually drawing (very roughly), a girl being doggy-styled by a boy of a certain virility. o_O' It was totally random, although satisfying. Although a bit embarassing when a rez-mate eventually saw it (it was so random, that I "forgot" to put the piece of drawing away -_-;).
Tonight? Not much. Sketches of ladies, usually fully dressed. Exploring proportions, that tend towards fatter, bigger women. Eventually hit last month's Megatokyo and got picked up by a Ping falling on the floor with a bookshelf on her (#461). Legs a decouvert, nothing really crossing the line between slighty charming and clearly porn. And drew back simili-Ping, and then naughty schoolgirl.. =_=; (Gosh, among all the things I don't even have a schoolgirl fetish!)
I often compare myself with my male buddies who "arrrouuhhhhh" all the girls. I usually do it in my head, but ummph, even there, it's more like, "ahhh pretty, must write it down". The since-birth drought has had the consequence that, faute de ne pas l'avoir consomme, I feel like talking about the beauty of It in all the ways still possible within the boundaries of the respect of the other. I suck at poems. I believe I suck at prose. Whining doesn't count as representing beauty; so in the end, I can still scribble. My sketching has surpassed all hopes when I first (re)commenced drawing. Should I come accross nice pieces of work, they'll get scanned and on-lined... Well. I don't know if what I'm doing is even considered ok. Where are the straight and sensible boys out there?
I am not a loser, I am not a loser... ^_^
You'll find me extraordinary for saying this... But I *can* dissociate "object of my romantic desire" and "good friend". I mean, it's the same person, but in my head, I can make them separate people. C'est une fantastique acrobatie de l'esprit. I cannot even start realizing how fantastic my mind can get. You should award me some sort of prize.
Thanks for the Rasberry Vodka dude. ^_^
It's useless having a conversation here. It isn't a conversation, per se, more of a simulation of a conversation. Or like a monologue, the one I can't have in front of you for several reasons (several reasons I can think of, but which I don't find useful to enumerate anyways). Besides, it's not important to anyone else than me. It's just me. Just Ced who's not strong enough to refrain from whining, but who's strong enough, in the end, to forget about it all, and walk (stumble) again...